Where do you go with the deepest darkest pain you’ve ever felt?

Is there a space safe enough? A drug strong enough? A faith pure enough?

I’ve been trying to learn how to process pain, and the resultant anxiety and fear - or maybe they are the cause of the pain and I have it backwards. I’ve been studying up on grounding and regulating practices to stave of spirals. So far I haven’t found one that works. I’ve been considering throwing more wasted money to hear a counselor tell me that I am made in the image of a god so horrific I can’t imagine what business he had making anything after his likeness. I’ve tried drinking more. I’ve tried drinking less. I’ve tried not drinking, eliminating coffee, drugging myself to sleep… I’ve tried praying. Maybe to the horrific god or maybe to someone else. I’ve tried looking my inner child straight in the eye and asking, “who hurt you?”. I couldn’t maintain eye contact. It was too horrific.

Life is pain. Yes I know. It’s unavoidable. And as with all things, the more intense the joy, the more intense the pain of loss. I guess the real question is why do I seek out joy when I know it will never last? Why don’t I run from that brutal heart-tease and avoid it at all cost? It’s the same irrational behavior that causes me to get dogs who I will outlive by barbaric measures, and put myself through the agony of that loss over and over and over. I am insane. Literally.

But where do you go with the pain? I’ve tried sitting with it quietly, or screaming it out in rage while I violently dismantle a 100lb decorative wooden wishing well. I’ve tried yogaing it away, sleeping it off, pretending it’s not there. But it eats me alive.

Marcus Aurelius says that we suffer more often in imagination than in reality, but what if the pain isn’t just imagination. Sure, the loss hasn’t occurred yet, but like a terminally ill patient, the writing is on the wall. You know it’s coming. It can’t be stopped, and to try to stop it would only create more damage. So you accept the pain. But where, where do you go with the pain?