I HATE winter. Really I hate winter here in Eastern Washington, but since that’s the winter association I hold for the majority of my life, I feel like I just HATE winter. The Magic of Christmas used to hold me over until at least the first week of January before the Absolute Distaste For Life set in, but I can’t tell over the last few years if the Magic is fading or the Distaste is just overwhelming it much earlier than it used to.

I asked my Oldest the other day if Christmas used to feel Magical to her and if it still does. She said it did and on the years when we all congregate at Grandma’s house like we did back then, she still feels it. But this year, talking to my baby brother and a few other assorted relatives, we all agreed that the Magic isn’t what it used to. It didn’t help this year to hear about the health challenges of a Close Relative, or thousands of flights were canceled and freeways were shut down and the fact all four of my offspring and other loved ones were jaunting willy-nilly over historically terrible winter roads in historically low winter temperatures didn’t do much for my own peace of mind.

But the Magic isn’t what it once was, and maybe that’s part of the Natural Progression of Things, which I am not a fan of, along with winter.

Even in the weirdness of not-all-the-kids being here and other family strife, we found our moments of magic. Nobody crashed their car or died in a snowbank. We have hope that the illness is treatable. None of the dogs pooped on my bed.

I am trying to overcome the Distaste For Life that settles over me this time of year like a moldy blanket. Every day I make lists of All The Good Things and I appreciate the beauty of snow and ice and shovels and mud as I look out my window and across a valley of frustrated commuters who can’t find an appropriate windshield wiper setting. I am endlessly grateful to live in a home with a consistently working furnace, a comfortable bed, a multitude of couches, way too many dogs and way too many leftovers.

I am clinging to the joy of ridiculous moments, like when my Youngest and I both answered the door for a solicitor and the reindeer antlers we were both wearing got tangled and we had to excuse ourselves to go sort out our attached heads. I’d like somehow to at least reduce the Absolute Distaste to a milder version, maybe a Partial Distaste For Life this time of year, but I won’t lie, it takes work. It takes the conscious decision to change every thought in my head. To rewrite “why do I live here” to “where should I go next” and “I f&%^ing HATE winter” to “I can’t I can’t f&^$ing wait to get somewhere sunny.” I’m forcing myself to get out of the house, to make plans, to see people, which is a step up from last winter.

If there are others like me out there who are not Fraught With Holiday Joy, just know it’s ok. You’re not alone. Find the little heartbeats of happiness and make plans for different things. There’s sunshine on the other side, somewhere. #itstheholidays